When Elders Abuse Their Adult Children Caregivers

Most of us have seen evidence of people being harder on the people they love than they are on strangers or even people they don’t like. One example is of an elderly man who was always good-natured in public. He had been a salesman by trade, but became a totally different person when alone with his family. He was sullen, angry and often emotionally abusive – especially toward his daughter. As his caregiver, his daughter had the burden of his medical appointments, meals, financial management as well as his personal care. She had a family of her own, including two very active school-age children, and although she exhausted herself trying to meet the needs of everyone, her father never seemed happy with what she did for him.

Venting frustrations on the people who are providing the most care is a common occurrence, and unless the person has a personality disorder – which is a mental illness – they don’t consciously abuse their caregiver. They are venting frustrations about getting old, having chronic pain, losing friends and their independence, along with many other undignified things that can happen to us as we age. On a gut level, they trust that their caregiver will not leave them or love them less if they let off some steam.

 Whatever the reason, it’s not good. Caregivers feel used and hurt. Many caregivers agree that they are not looking for gratitude from their loved one, but the emotional and verbal abuse is sometimes too much to bear. Verbal and emotional abuse leaves a lingering scar that can change relationships and has actually caused caregivers to seek nursing home placement earlier than those caregivers who are not abused.

 What can Caregivers Do?

Review the situation. In circumstances when our loved ones are lashing out in anger, we should not attempt to argue or reason with them. They are not capable of calm, reasonable conversation at a time of upset. Back off and allow them time to calm themselves. Review the situation in your mind. What was happening just before the behavior occurred? What was the environment like? Was there a lot of noise and commotion? Were there many people around? What was our approach? Did we appear rushed or act rough with them? Being able to identify possible triggers can help us avoid them in the future.

 Once the emotional moment has passed, consider sitting down with your loved one over a cup of their favorite beverage and a snack and speak candidly about your feelings. Use “I” statements to prevent your loved one from becoming defensive. For example:  “My feelings were hurt earlier today when I was trying to help you with your shower. I know that it’s hard for you, but I am hurt by yelling and cursing. I am telling you this because I love you and I don’t want to have hurt feelings between us.”

 Be prepared for their response. They may deny the incident, or recall the details differently from the reality. They may become upset again and begin to raise their voice, or they may not even remember the incident at all.

 Use Positive Communication techniques. Do not argue or attempt to convince them that you are right and they are wrong. If they deny or downplay the incident, do not restate their actions and angry words – this will not convince them and will only serve to anger and upset them again. You may respond by saying something like, “I’m glad that we can get past this now, but I just wanted to let you know that when my feelings are being hurt, I will let you know so that we can remain friends.”

 If they begin to get upset again, raising their voice – back off. Walk away (as long as they are in a safe place) and tell them that you’ll try and talk with them later when they are calmer. Do not rise to the fight. Shouting and raising your voice will not help the situation and your message will be lost in another upsetting outburst.

 If they do not remember the incident at all, it is not helpful for you to describe an upsetting situation, giving details of how they hurt you. You may wish to consider responding with something like, “I’m glad you’re not upset anymore, but I wanted to let you know that I care about you. Angry words and cursing hurt me. If my feelings are being hurt, I will be sure to tell you right away so we can remain friends.”

 Be sure to always “forgive” your loved one at the end of each day. Forgiveness without words is a powerful way for caregivers to continue the difficult work they do without burdening their loved one with guilt etc.

- Try offering a hug or a special treat at the end of the day.

- Keep a “good memories journal” and write down one good thing that occurred that day or a favorite memory from before they were sick.

- Call a trusted friend or family member and do some “venting” of your own. Sometimes getting it off your chest can get it off your mind and heart too.

- Don’t take it personally. Try and realize that the anger they are displaying is not about you – it is the disease talking.

- Seek a support group. Caregivers who have a strong support system do better than those who try and do it alone.

 For more information about caregiver support, contact your local Alzheimer’s Association. The WNY chapter may be reached by calling (716) 626-0600.