Home away from Home - Relocating your Parents

As you've watched your parents age, perhaps you have struggled with situations such as these: You've traveled to visit your mother for the holidays, and found her refrigerator nearly empty, or her checkbook missing and her finances in complete disarray. Or a neighbor calls you to report that your father was wandering in the street, unable to find the house he's lived in for 30 years. Or your mother has neglected to take her diabetes medications, severely compromising her health.

If there is a decline in cognitive abilities as a result of Alzheiemr's or other memory impairing illness, there is clear cause to be concerned about your parent's welfare. The need to relocate your parent to a safer environment may become apparent. But where should he/she live? Often your first inclination is to move Mom or Dad into your home, but this major life change deserves thoughtful examination, and there are many alternatives to explore.

>Open Discussion:

Open and honest discussion with your parent and other family members becomes an essential first step when you are trying to decide whether relocating your parent is the right thing to do. Family meetings will help everyone share their views and will help you decide how best to proceed. Although some of these discussions may be very difficult and emotional, several topics require attention. Together, the family will need to talk about all possible options, each persons role in the transition, the type of care to be provided, changes in lifestyle, finances and the physical setting of the new home.

>Level of Care

As your parent gets older, they will have changes in their care needs. In most cases their care will become more challenging. Carefully consider what you can and cannot provide for your parent. Determine which activities of daily living (toileting, eating, bathing...) your parent can provide for themselves. Determine your comfort level for providing personal care such as bathing or changing an adult diaper. Evaluate your health and physical abilities and be honest about your ability to provide care for your parent. Explore the availability of services such as visitors, in-home care, respite care, adult day care, assited living...

Investigate back up living arrangements and options if living with your parent does not work out. Determine the type of medical care that will be needed for your parent, and whether appropriate physicians and services are available.

>Consider Various Living Arrangements

Moving your parent into your home is one option, but you and your family should take some time to consider other living arrangements as well. The type of housing and living arrangements will largely depend on your parent's care needs, finances and available options. Also, when deciding where a parent should live, family members need to discuss, understand and accept the benefits and drawbacks of living close to one relative versus another.

>Change of Family Roles

Living with a parent will lead to a change in family roles. A once authoritative parent may no longer act like a "parent" - you may become the guardian who gives direction and controls many aspects of your parent's life. You may need your child/children to help with more household responsibilities and with a grandparent. These role changes are hard adjustments for everyone. Be prepared for resistance from your parent. They will feel that they can no longer set the rules, control their situation or they fear losing independence. Allow some negotiation in decision-making activities so that you can have a win-win situation.

>Your Home

Physicial living arrangements must be adequate if your parent is to move in. There must be enough room and a layout that is adaptable to an older adult who may have mobility or vision problems. A home may require special adaptations to make it safe. Many of these changes are inexpensive but need time and planning to implement. Some visiting nursing companies offer in home screens to assist families in understanding the needs of their elderly family member.

>Financial Arrangements

Individual financial information is not usually shared among family members - however, if you are caring for a parent, it may become necessary for you to become more involved in their personal finances including paying bills, monitoring accounts and managing investments. This can create problems with your parents or other family members who may question how you are handling your parent's money. Come to an agreement between your parent and your family members regarding how finances will be managed and how you will handle any out of pocket expenses.

>Difficulties with the Move

It is likely that your parent has lived in their current home for many years and have developed strong ties to the community, family , friends, social life and daily routine. Packing and moving out of a house is a significant chore for anybody, but for an older adult who has decades' worth of memories and possessions, moving can represent a tremendous emotional challange. Moving away from this familiar and comfortable setting is difficult and can cause great saddness. Furthermore, leaving one's own house represents a loss in independence and signals a new life stage. While you help your parent pack, talk through the difficult feelings, acknowledge the loss that your parent is experiencing and reassure them that you are all making the best decision possible. Allow time and opportunity to reminisce. Your parent will need time to adjust to this new living environment and role within your family. Your patience and support will help make this transition smoother. An outside counselor may also be helpful for all of you.

>Rewards

Despite the challenges, many adult children find that providing support and care for their parents is one of the most rewarding experiences they have ever had. Parents can contribute to the family through sharing their past and become an integral part of your household. Grandchildren have the unique opportunity to learn and absorb family history. Caregiving carries with it the extaordinary opportunity to give back what your parent once provided you.

For more information regarding ElderWood Senior Care and the programs and services they provide, please contact (716)633-3900 or access the web at www.elderwood.com